Under the cloak
of the night
I arise
before the house stirs
and beside
my husband’s
deep
contented
sighs.
Nine months to the day
when we gave
our son away.
We said our goodbyes
and clung
to each other
to pray.
We prayed through the night
and the next days too
we prayed for his safety
for there was
no more
we could do.
And today,
this brisk morning
I lace up pearly whites
or not so white anymore
more gray,
like my rights.
I’m no longer in charge
of all my son’s days
I’m no longer involved
in all of his ways
which gives me some freedom
to step out of the door
a guilt held quite deeply
right down to
my core.
I walk for penance
I walk for peace
I pray that the guilt
will one day
lighten
and cease.
I scatter bright leaves
as I turn
and then wind
a beautiful covering
which oft brings
to mind
A coat of many colors
laced with
Betrayal
And pain
From those closest to Joseph
who gave him away.
A single
brown leaf
Embraces
its plight
The weariness
overcomes
As it succumbs
to the night.
Much like my body
after a lifetime of fight
it now
Reregulates
as I learn
to take
flight.
I hear a cock crow
thrice –
“You shall
deny me”
My Lord said
to his child
and thus
it came
to be.
Is that what I did?
Did I deny
my own son?
In creating a home
Is that what I’ve done?
I ponder the guilt
and the freedom I feel
now that caregiving duties
are infrequent
and nihl.
I walk past the bridge
and see the bright light
Standing tall in the street
It’s a welcoming sight.
I step into the glow
where I fight back
the tears
wrestling with the Lord
as I reveal
each
of my
Fears.
The manic dogs bark
For my heart is laid bare
They will scare
They will scowl
at any great dare
But –
His faithful promise
Is my armor
and I’m safe
beneath
his wings
So say
the Scriptures
about
scary things.
The Father above
also knows my pain well
For he sent
his son away
that I might avoid
Hell.
I stop
and I stare
The stars twinkle
Above
the Big Dipper
Reminds me
That I did it
in love.
Love for my boy
and for his siblings too
and love for myself
for that’s what
we do.
When we follow Christ
We obey his commands
Even if they’re hard
and require
purchased lands.
It’s now time to return
to the home
of my life.
My hope is restored
I’ve made peace
with my strife.
Jesus holds my pain
As we walk hand and hand
He’ll carry me through
across this
new
tumultuous
land.
Christ is my refuge
My place of safety
In his wings
I find healing
He alone protects me.
He protects me and my Luke
From disasters and snares
He is the one
to shoulder
each of my cares.
I look forward with joy
When one day
We embrace
And I hear him declare
Well done, my child
You’ve run your race.
Written by Jess Ronne