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Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

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Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!
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God’s been chatting with me lately.  I don’t even entirely know how to wrap my mind around what he’s saying because I’ve  only been offered small bites at a time which is okay because when Almighty Maker of Heaven and Earth has a plan, there is no way my human understanding can comprehend the vastness of it all in one gigantic lump.

It all started a few weeks ago when I realized I was bored.  Not that I no longer had anything to do, that’s probably not going to happen until I die, but this general feeling of being dissatisfied, like something was missing, something was bubbling beneath the surface of my soul wanting and needing to get out.  I couldn’t quite put a finger on what exactly was going on in my spirit world, but I knew life was about to be rattled.  I was bored with writing, unmotivated to write on the blog or work on my book, bored with housework and laundry, seeing the numerous household projects but not caring, an overall feeling that there was something I wasn’t grasping, something causing the restlessness.  I started praying about it, asking the simple questions, “God, what? What is this about?  What am I missing?  Or am I missing absolutely nothing and you are teaching me contentment? Lord help me.”

And he answered, in a one line mantra, over and over throughout the day I heard “more of me, less of you.”  It took about a week of this, running through my heart, my mind, my dreams, my walks, “more of me, less of you, more of me, less of you,” and I prayed, earnestly, seeking to understand this admonishment, and I still don’t have all of the answers (although my type A personality sure would appreciate having most of the answers at this point) and some things have been made clear as I seek his will in this desire to live “more of him, less of me." 

It is hard in our social media drenched society to NOT reach out for constant attention and to quickly lose focus on bringing glory to the ONLY one who deserves any glory.  It is hard as mothers to not want our children to appear as the cutest, the wittiest, or the brightest and social media gives us the perfect outlet to display all of these marvelous traits in our offspring.  It is difficult for ourselves to not want to appear witty and bright and in a me saturated environment, otherwise known as Facebook, this becomes our reality as we each put our best foot forward, our prettiest pictures, our wittiest lines, our greatest advice and stellar home decorating ideas.  Facebook has the remarkable ability to eliminate anything negative from anyone’s life (if you’re smart about it and not posting when you’re inebriated, high, or having a break from reality).  On Facebook, twitter, Pinterest or whatever it may be we have the opportunity to be perfect.  We, in a sense, create our own god like persona for the world to oooooh and ahhhhh about. 

It is also a constant contradiction of thoughts as a writer who wants so badly to be able to publish her first book and have people enjoy and purchase that book, a book that in its purest form is saying, “ALL glory, honor, and power be to the only one in the whole universe who could have ever orchestrated such beauty from ashes”  and yet remain detached from this idea of drawing attention to myself, remaining humble, trying desperately to not point the finger inwardly, but always upwardly, and admittedly not always do that so well.  It’s not in our human nature to do that well.  It is in our nature to want to draw attention to ourselves, to have people acknowledge our accomplishments; acknowledge our suffering, our pain, our beauty and our talents.  That’s human nature and that’s where I’m at right now, trying to figure out how to strip away this desire for me and get back to the root of everything living, and moving, and having existence in Him.   

Slowly…. some of the layers are being peeled away and they have been replaced with concrete movements for returning to a place of “more of me, less of you” because I know that all of this sounds spiritual and pure but without a plan in place it’s just holy gibberish. Blinders that have kept me from pointing upward for a while, blinders shielding my eyes from the pain of the world, the pain of so many in my new community, the pain of third world nations, the pain of children sitting next to my children in school, the pain of my own children at times.  So many layers of meness that have kept me from him - look at me, acknowledge me; me, me, me, so opposite of what we are called to do Biblically.  Layers of worldliness keeping me transfixed on the things of this world: clothes, money, esteem, shoes, delectable foods, things that should be growing strangely dim as I mature in the faith, but they don’t seem to be dimming in the slightest and there is something wrong with that, layers of inconsequential crap that I’ve allowed myself to get caught up in when my entire reason for being as a Christ follower should 150% revolve around showing Jesus Christ to the world and bringing glory to him in the process.  That’s it. 

To be continued…

By the way, Luke’s teacher has set up a wonderful fundraising opportunity in hopes of  purchasing additional equipment for his classroom and the school, specifically a handicapped accessible swing for the playground and handrails to be installed throughout the school to assist Luke in being able to walk more independently.  Thank you in advance for considering this special opportunity to help these kids who cannot always advocate for themselves.  The link to donate is -

http://www.adoptaclassroom.org/classroomdonation/results_teacher.aspx?ClassroomID=189025&schoolID=21058

humility

Just keep livin!!

Tagged in: faith life special needs

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