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Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

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Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!
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I'm posting a series called Messy Stories.  These are stories from others detailing pain and heartache; they are stories of cancer, death, divorce, betrayal, and disease; they are ultimately stories that bind each of us to one another in this messy thing known as life.  If you have a messy story,  anonymous or not, I would love to hear about it and post it for others in order that we all might gain insight and understanding from our different journeys.   Send me a message at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 

I want to say how much I enjoy the Blog. It has been a great encouragement to me during some really tough times in my life this past 2 years. I was called into the ministry to be a missionary when I was 8 years old, and when I was 19 years old and it came time to make a decision about college I ran from that calling. During that time my life took some serious twists and turns, and I completely turned my back on God, yet I could not deny he was there. I just felt like a ruined person who was devoid and unworthy of love. God has impacted my life in the midst of my crazy and is bringing restoration to me even though I have literally lost everything except the promises of what God has for my life.

When I was in college I went out dancing with some friends thinking I can still have fun and hold true to what I believe. I believed that I was beyond compromise because I knew my boundaries  I grew up knowing I could push them and not get burned. When we were in the dance club someone dropped something into my soda and I became lucid and somebody thought they had the right to take advantage of me… I woke up in a strange place, and I freaked out and called my friends and we went home because even though the bruising on my body told a different story I began to deny what had happened to me. I never understood the need to lie to our selves, this whole idea of if I don’t talk about it, then it didn’t happen is really unhealthy. I returned to school and forced myself into a routine like nothing had happened. Then the next year brought changes in my department staffing and the new freshman class which was all male was enough to send me into a tail spin. I began to have panic and anxiety in any of my classes or large groups. Ultimately this led to me failing out of college because the classroom began to be to much for me,and I refused to go. I started to work mundane jobs and fill my life with alcohol and promiscuous meaningless relationships.

I would work at job for about 8 months and then I would find a reason to leave. I lived in this perpetual cycle for about 3 years. Then I met Mike. He was persistent, he was very purposeful in his quest for me. We began to date and against my better judgment I allowed him to move in with me. At this point in my life I expected nothing more than to be someone’s wife and that was because I had no value in my own eyes, but he made me feel like I had value to him, I belonged to him, I was special to him, but I was property to him. My life had to be completely about him. I told myself that I was happy. When he asked me to marry him in November of 2011, I figured my life would start to have some meaning. I discovered I was pregnant the week before Christmas of 2011 and I wasn’t as happy about it as I should have been, I told everyone I was excited. I was beginning to feel like there was supposed to be more to my life. We started attending CWC the church next to our apartment complex and I knew I had to get back to Christ so that my baby knew real love… I just didn’t feel like I deserved it. Mike left in February of 2012 when I was 5 months along, and I was devastated but oddly relieved. I was not working at the time, I was pregnant because Mike decided it was better for the baby if I stayed home. I had no money and bills piling up, so I moved home. I was a hot mess.

Two things happened during this time I did not expect at all. My childhood friend had just returned home to prepare to be sent into the missions field by my church and my best girlfriend forgave me for the way I had shut her out and had acted towards her and they both started coming around and loving on me. My pastor friend took me on and he began to pour the love of Christ back into me and I agreed to go back home to my childhood church to just see what was going on because there were some drastic changes. I was so embarrassed to be there. I was a single woman, I was pregnant and I was convinced I was going to be met with judgment and condemnation like I had at any other church I had stepped foot in. I made my friend sit in the back row so that when I got uncomfortable and when someone hurt me I could leave. Then I was met with hugs and love and comments on how good it was to see me again and while I was just waiting for the rejection, I was shown love. Then praise and worship started and I saw the children’s pastors son two rows up from me praising God with every part of him. This twelve year old boy was so unashamedly in love with his savior. Then it hit me and I audibly heard the voice of God say to me “ You used to love me like that, All I wanted was your love and to love you in return, I still love you Maegen and I see you.” I just began to cry… It was a loud, ugly, nasty cry. It was so loud that the pastor stopped praise and worship and did an alter call right then and there, I was frozen where I stood because this was not what I was expecting at all. I was not expecting Love. In true brotherly fashion my friend nudged me out into the aisle and gave me a gentle nudge to the front and the pastor met me half way and he prayed life back into me. He prayed that I was still loved and that God still saw me and that there was nothing in my life that could make me unlovable to him. He prayed that I would begin to rediscover my anointing and that I would walk with a new authority in the Holy Spirit. I began to feel alive again. I worked Monday through Friday part time to get by and get ready for baby and then I was headed off to Guymon to spend time with my church family. I had a place and love and worth again.

During my pregnancy the Doctors told me I was going to have a girl and this was a problem. God had given me a boys name. So I had to dig deep for a girls name, I didn’t want a girl to be honest. Not that they aren’t adorable and great, but I didn’t know the first thing about bows and dresses and I could barely figure out how to find clothes that matched for me. I just really wanted a little boy. Silas Cameron was born July 30, 2012. He was my first fulfilled promise God had in my life. I engrossed myself in being the best provider I could be for my son. I got a job and was quickly promoted and that promotion just happen to involve a move to the town my church was in ( I had been living 40 miles away.) We got our own apartment and my life was beginning to feel all my own and God put people in our lives to bless us. My church really stepped up and helped me out in anyway they could. I was blessed to get a job at the beginning of 2013 that allowed me plenty of time with my son and benefits, and we were blessed. I had began to tithe and blessings and prosperity were coming, I was getting out of debt and was looking into buying a house. I had left everything in God’s hand and I began to pray about returning to school and about the man that God was going to put in Silas’s and my life. I knew that God had not lifted the call of missions on my life. I began to pray that God would orchestrate ways for me to begin to do his work.

 

May 28,2013 is the day that is forever etched in my life as the day I met hell face to face. I was at work when I received a call from my babysitter to come quickly that there had been an accident and that my son had been hurt and he was unresponsive. My son had fallen from the bed and hit his head and it had caused a brain aneurism and we were Mediflighted us to Amarillo Texas where they took my son into surgery and tried to relieve the pressure on his brain. While in surgery Silas’s heart stopped and they could not get it going again. I felt my world crumble. I had spent the entire afternoon praying and bartering with God. I was so confused, I didn't understand, I crumbled completely, yet I felt the Holy Spirit with me and beginning to stir and as I was praying life back into my son I found myself praying that no matter what I would praise God. In that instant I did not know what I had prayed. I was convinced that the moment I got my hands on my son I would be speaking life back into him, and I would be witness to a miracle.

 

They took my son’s body to autopsy and I was returned to Oklahoma. It was the most unnatural time of my life because I was not supposed to be separated from my son. My family helped me plan my son’s funeral. The only thing I could make any type of decision on was the music. The Sunday before my son’s funeral I was at the funeral home with my best friend and his roommate and I were alone there and we began to pray and pray and pray, and then a few hours later members of my church family began to come and I told them what I had been doing and I asked them that if they were up to it to join me and we met and we prayed life back into my son. Somewhere in the midst of that prayer the prayer changed from praying life back into Silas to praying life back into me. I began to pray for the people who were going to be impacted by my son’s life and our story. I felt the peace of God rest on me and this understanding that even in all of this bad, God had something good for me and my life. His funeral was a celebration of life, and we praised God as a family and church family for getting to be apart of it. My life really felt empty. I moved out of my apartment and moved in with my previous pastors who had retired and I continued to work and I flung myself into my church and my job and my counseling.

As time passed relationships with my family started to crumble. As I processed my grief I clung to people and not God, yet I was seeking God. I buried my pain in my work and it got to a point where I snapped and I ended up loosing my job. I know it was God stepping in and calling me to not just live with my pain but face my pain in him and heal. During my unemployed days I volunteered at the church. I would clean and sit in the pews and cry, and I would bare my heart and brokenness to the Lord. I knew I was called to go back to school, it just seemed so impossible. Old habits die hard, I got a new job and even though I had the opportunity to work part time and work on me I reburied myself in my work and let working on me sit to the side because I was convinced that the only way I could get to school was if I worked and saved up. All this did was set me back when God stepped in and slowed me down himself when the company closed its doors. I was back to square one and I wrestled with God. I was being a spiritual brat. I was so convinced that God had to do things my way, not me do things his way. When I let go 3 weeks later God moved mountains. My loans that had been tied up and were preventing me from going to school were freed up, and my application to school was completed. I was denied by the school I wanted to attend and then I was called in for an appeals processes. I am here today typing this story from my bunk in my dorm room at Life Pacific College where I am majoring in Biblical Studies.  My life is a beautiful mess. I have experienced some heartache that has shaped me into the person that I am today. I know that even though I have lost all that I held dearly in this world God still is faithful.

I miss my son to the point it still cause me physical pain, yet I know God Is bringing healing into my life. I continue with my counseling and I find healing each time I share my story no matter how much it does hurt. God is revealing himself to me in new ways each day and his promises are fulfilled in my life each day. I live my life centered around 3 verses that God had placed in my life. Proverbs 31:25 “she is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs because she has no fear for what tomorrow holds.”  Psalms 34:7 “ Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” and Philippians 1:12-14 “I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me had really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. And Most of the Brothers having become confident, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.” God is moving and is calling his church to be healthy and He wants his people to know that all he wants is to love you. That is what the Gospels are his message of Love and I want to be his vessel to share that Love. The most well know verse in the world is John 3:16 I love that verse it was the first one I memorized as a child, but it really is incomplete without verse 17” For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”  So if you are reading this know God loves you, I love you and you are worthy of that love and God has promises he wants to fulfill in your lives. Seek him and he will begin to reveal them to you and it will be hard and messy but it will be the most blessed life you could ever imagine.

With love,
A mother of a child in Glory.

griefhttp://youthservicesslc.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/helping-teens-who-suffer-with-grief-and-loss/

 

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Tagged in: faith Grief life
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