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Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

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Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!
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In honor of Mother’s day I’ve chosen to recognize 7 little people who have made motherhood a reality for me.  Caleb, Tate, Lucas, Mya, Mabel, Josh and Jada – you literally get me up in the morning and keep me on my toes (with lots and lots of coffee!).  Each one of you has brought such joy to my life in unique ways, and although I’m not always the greatest at remembering to tell you how much you mean to me, know from the bottom of my heart, that you kids are my heartbeat. 
 
Caleb – My first born son, named after one of the Biblical spies allowed into the Promised Land, a sign of God’s blessing upon our family.   You arrived in my life when I was merely 25 years old, and  I bore you with a great amount of pain and determination, but you were so worth it.  You were my “little beaner” and we were buddies from day one.  You have seen way too much in your short 10 years from your brother being severally handicapped, to your stressed out mom during many of those hard years, to accepting a new brother and two new sisters and embracing the fact that your mom would be spread even thinner than she already had been, to finally being the one to discover that your birth father had left our family to journey onward to his forever home.   I am so proud of the little man you have become.  I pray that you continue to find beauty in this world, continue to push yourself past all limits and continue to ask the questions that no one else will ask.  Always open your heart even when this world will send numerous blows your way. Continue to trust in HIM son, he we make all of your paths straight. Dad and I love you so much.   
 
 
 
 
 


 
 Tate, my son.  You ran circles around my brain for about the first year I was blessed to be called your mom.  I’ve never met a child like you who could literally talk all day long!  You always have a spark for life that has never faded, even when your own birth mom passed away and you were left with a gaping hole in your heart.  You, Tate, gave your dad hope so that he could move on and pursue love again, and you paved the way for your family to step out of grief and embrace the gift of a new family that God had sent their way.  Thank you Tate for being bold enough to speak it like it is.  Thank you for your tender heart and for accepting and loving me as your mom.  Thank you for always being cautious of not hurting my feelings or the feelings of others by speaking of things that would only be painful.  Tate, you have not let the hardships of life keep you down and instead you have risen to any challenge and have actually risen above and beyond anything we could have ever thought possible.  We love you buddy. 
Mya – You bonded to me immediately. We mirror each other in so many ways and that has made our relationship easy sailing at times and at other times some pretty rough waters.  They say, what bothers you the most in others are your own worst personality traits and tendencies, and I would have to say that is an accurate statement!   You are my wingman just as I was called upon to be a wingman in my youth, and that makes you helpful, a know it all, dependable, and absolutely necessary in my life as a mom.   You, my daughter, carry a special role in our family as the oldest girl, weight is put upon you that is not always fair but you never balk at what is needed or asked, you just fulfill your role quietly and respectfully (usually).   You have an old soul brought on by heartache and life but right now, in this moment, I’m so thankful that I get to be your mom.   Thank you for accepting this role so easily and readily. Thank you for loving me and welcoming me into your heart.  Keep your eyes on Jesus and he will direct your path. I love you Mya Dru. 
Mabel Grace.  Oh sweet pistol girl.  I wanted you so badly.  Actually I wanted a daughter so badly and when you were lifted out of my stomach and the doctor said, “It’s a girl!”  I just wept.  You have brought a smile to my face during some of the darkest moments a person can walk through.  Sweet girl, you were so oblivious to the pain surrounding your first three years of life, your birth daddy being diagnosed with brain cancer months after you were born, chemo, radiation, Luke’s brain surgeries, another terminal brain cancer diagnosis and finally the death of your first father.  I’m sorry I didn’t have any better answers for your little three year old heart when you awoke to find him gone the next day.  I’m sorry for the confusion and the pain that you’ve endured in your short 6 years.  I’m sorry that I checked out on everything for those three dark months after his death. I thank God every day for sending you a new daddy and for the bond of love you have with him.  Keep your fire my little pistol, it will serve you well (most of the time) throughout your days.  Along with that fire, carry your sword of the spirit and nothing will be able to sever you from your path.  I love you sweetie. 
Joshua  - my sign of a promise, named for the other spy who could enter the promised land.   I had no idea why in the world I would wind up pregnant during the worst possible time in my life with your birth father on chemo and radiation.  It seemed like you had to be a sign of a promise for my life, and you were actually a sign for something so far beyond anything I could have comprehended or conceived in those moments.  You provided me with something to live for during those months when your birth father could live no longer.  You gave me hope and a promise for a better tomorrow and that better tomorrow has been fulfilled for me, you kids, and your birth father.  I look at you today, all little man of you, at 3 years old with a gun shoved down your pants just like your big brothers and marvel at what God pulled together in your life.  You now have a sister you couldn't' live without and a brother who is not your blood but probably more your brother than any other family member, and a daddy who you love and who loves you.   Little boy, God knew what he was doing when he placed you in my womb.  Thank you Joshua Isaac for something you have no comprehension of right now, thank you for being born for such a time as this and allowing your mother to believe again that there would be beauty from the ashes.  I love you crazy boy. 
Jada –You dear little girl, I love you ferociously but at times, my goodness….  You have a stubborn tenacity that would be hard on any woman. I didn’t have the chance to bond with you in my womb, and I didn’t bond with you in your infancy either.  That was a gift you gave your birth mother, and I’m sure you made her final days here on earth full of peace and joy while cradling you in her arms. In fact, you came into my life during the “stinker” years of 1-3 and those aren’t easy for any mother, let alone a mother who hasn’t had any initial bond with a child. I have prayed, many, many prayers of patience and understanding during these last two years.   We, little Jada Alexis, are finding our sweet spot finally.  I am thankful to be your mom, and I’m thankful for the stretching and pulling of my faith and life that you have brought.  I’m thankful that you have sent me to my knees repeatedly in an effort to seek God’s will for my children. Jada, you are my princess girl.  Always remember, I love you, I want to be the mom you need more than just about anything, and that I chose you because of that unconditional love.  I love you princess. 
 
Lucas Aaron Ronne – you have changed us all for the better.  People wonder what the purpose of your life is and it is such an absurd question.  You find joy in every single day.  I don’t think many people can say that.  You find joy in school, in family, in movies, in music, in food, and in chocolate milk.  Every day, these things bring joy to your life.  You don’t wish your life to be different, just as I don’t wish my life to be different.  We are all in God’s perfect will just exactly where we are and that’s the best life you could ever live - smack dab in his will.  You, little boy, are such a blessing and in fact, I believe that your life isn’t even necessarily about you, your life is about everyone around you and how we each change because you miraculously live.  You dear boy, are a miracle.  My beautiful family is a miracle and just as you don’t wallow in your limitations, we also don’t wallow in our loss, and instead we rejoice in what was created from the loss.  Here’s to you Luke, “let’s give ‘em something to talk about….!” 
 
 
 
Recent Comments - Show all comments
  • Sarah M.
    Sarah M. says #
    This is a beautiful tribute to all of your children R Press & think it's amazing and truly inspirational. Happy Mother's day!
  • Jessica
    Jessica says #
    Jessica, I don't know you. I came across your blog originally because I went to college with Cory and Kara Reid, and I was keepin

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