familypic
 
JessPlusMess

Limited Edition

Autographed Copy

Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

Subscribe to Blog

Your Name:
Your Email:

Search

Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!

Why Sex Matters - Personal Take 2

  • Font size: Larger Smaller
  • Subscribe to this entry
  • Print


In my first marriage I was ignorant; as many women are.  No one talked about a man’s needs nor was there information on this subject within Christian circles.  I mean really, how hard could it be? Men want sex and we, as submissive wives, give it to them, but I didn’t really understand WHY they seemed to want it all the time because nobody talked about it.  We unfortunately can’t sign up for a weekly Bible study that explains to young married woman the importance of sex in a marriage.  In Bible studies we’ll hear about submitting to our husbands, or serving in the church, or on this committee, or in the nursery, but nobody talks about one of the holiest ways you can serve your husband in a marriage, and that is, quite frankly, in the bedroom.  As it is with most marriages, pregnancies came and with those, babies and then nursing, toddlers, and finally grown children, and sex took a back seat as it so often does. I’m not exactly sure what the trigger is in most marriages where sex turns into more of a chore than a way to connect intimately, but I think it generally begins with conception and pregnancy.  There’s the sick feelings that many of us have in the first trimester or the awkwardness of a big belly, or breasts feeling like hot, painfully clogged balloons, or ultimately the baby’s arrival and then of course the 6-8 week doctor prescribed sexual break and then one day you wake up with all of these breaks under your belt and you realize it’s been 2 or 3 or 4 months since you’ve made love to your husband and then it just becomes a really bad habit in the marriage that neither partner knows how to crawl out of or communicate about! We’ve all heard it suggested that most men “take matters into their own hand” but we don’t really understand what that’s all about, just the fact that “most men do it” and we certainly aren’t going to ask how or when because we really don’t want to know; it’s part of the pandora’s box aspect of manhood, just not something that Godly Christian women talk about.  There are other factors as well as to why we become sexually inactive in our marriages: the tired factor, or the “my emotional needs are being met by the newborn” factor that is ALWAYS mother related, the busy factor, and the “this baby is attached to my boob all day” factor to name a few. This sadly resembled some of the aspects of my life up until 2007 and then my late husband was diagnosed with cancer.   A baseball size brain tumor was found to be sitting right on his pituitary gland, the hormone center of our brains, and he no longer had the sexual desires of a normal 30 year old man; in fact he no longer had a whole lot of sexual desires at all as he endured multiple rounds of chemotherapy, radiation, and other highly potent cocktails of drugs all with the intended use of extending his life.  Most of his energy was used for just trying to survive another day, and he no longer pursued me as a normal, healthy 30 something year old would.  I shut down sexually; I had to save myself from the heartache of what I felt was rejection, and I’m sure he had his own feelings of inadequacy and anger that we just didn’t talk about.   I knew that he loved me but it often didn’t feel like love because of his lack of needing intimacy in our marriage.   I, in a sense, discovered what it felt like to be a man in being rejected this way and it didn’t feel very good.  It wasn’t even about the physical act, as I don’t think it is with men entirely either, but more so the lack of feeling wanted or desired.  In this second chance of mine with this marriage I’ve consciously decided that it will be different this time around. I don’t take a sex life with my healthy husband for granted anymore, and I don’t plan to ever again.  I never want my husband to feel like I don’t want him or that he’s a burden for wanting me. His wanting me intimately is a privilege and a blessing as I have learned the hard way.   I also don’t want him to feel like I’m rejecting him because I can’t take 20 or 30 minutes out of my valuable time to meet the needs of the person who is only supposed to be second to the Lord in my life. It should be an honor to be able to take care of our husband’s needs because this is something that they can only get from their wives, but we need to be open and willing to fulfilling this God ordained role in our marriages or our husbands will, most likely, find some other outlet for this need or they will shut down emotionally to save themselves from the hurt of our rejection over and over again. 
Agree? 

By the way, if you could keep me in your prayers this week and especially Thursday I would appreciate it.  I have been asked to speak, for the first time, and this is not in my comfort zone; however, I feel like God is asking me to do it regardless.  Prayers for clarity and wisdom as I share my story and prayers that it can touch lives for His glory. Thank you!
Just keep livin!!
Tagged in: marriage sex
  • Guest
    Anonymous Thursday, November 1, 2012

    Wow this is a wake up call. May God give me grace ...

    Wow this is a wake up call. May God give me grace to not learn everything the hard way but to hear the voices out there that would help me avoid a mistake like ignoring my mates sexual needs.Thanks Jess

  • Please login first in order for you to submit comments

Latest Blogs

Adored {and a giveaway!}
Another book review coming from Mabel Grace. She really enjoys the spotlight (shocking, I know), and loves participating in these reviews on mom’s blog. Lindsay Franklin’s Adored devotional book for young women, was another perfect opportunity for her to showcase how relevant these books are for a young women like herself.     Hi, my name is Mabel. I am here to tell you about an amazing book that helped me with a few things that I am not very good at, well actually not at all. What I mean is that I am not good with patience. The book that I am talking to you about is called Ado...
Continue Reading...
Pizza Dough Tutorial {for a good hearty dough and a good hearty laugh!}
This past Sunday morning, a morning draped in hazy weariness due to the time change the night before, a morning where all the Ronnes were moving just a tad bit slower than usual, a morning like so many of our Sunday mornings where we gather around the table to eat cinnamon rolls, and drink coffee, and I make pizza dough for our traditional Sunday night pizza party.  A morning where I stood in the kitchen at around 10:00 am and realized my house was eerily quiet.   I glanced outside and noticed a few children playing.  I peeked down the stairwell and into the basement where I h...
Continue Reading...
Seeking Simplicity One Seed at a Time {and a giveaway!}
In the last post I detailed my acknowledgement of a social media addiction and the specific steps I have been taking to clear my head.  As these tangible steps have been put into practice, I’ve noticed a fogginess lifting.  I used to contribute the airheadedness (for lack of a better word) to the fact that I have 8 children, and I’m sure this does play a small role, but I do believe social media anxiety has also played a significant role.  Now that my head is clear(er), I find I have time to reinvest in hobbies I haven’t had time for in months or maybe years – such as reading re...
Continue Reading...
Computers, Tablets, Phones OH MY! Help for the addiction.
As a newbie writer I’m repeatedly told that no one will ever read my words if I don’t have a platform, but as a person, I’m not really into the platform concept!  I’m extremely introverted. I get all bunched up in knots if someone doesn’t agree with me or like me anymore.  I don’t so much mind sharing pieces of my life with the world, but I do mind when strangers begin to throw rocks at my words or my family because they don’t agree with something or they are simply in a pattern of self loathing and decide to take it out on me. I do participate in the online world in a pretty large...
Continue Reading...
Love and Loss {And a Giveaway!]
The baby remains absent And grandma starts chemotherapy And the “C” word enters our children’s vocabulary once again Along with the “D” word in regards to their unknown sibling And our eyes spill in response to their tears And children still starve And that woman still aches for a loving spouse And girls are raped again and again And that is the reality of what we call life. And that is why our hearts ache for something purer And bigger And more beautiful We ache for more We need more We yearn for a hereafter Where all the pain is gone And every tear is wiped from our eyes Our hearts screa...
Continue Reading...
PIZZA PARTY!
Anyway…  I needed to do some soul searching due to the information bombardment and what I felt like it was doing to my soul as it was not only sucking me dry mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, it was depriving my family of me – present, engaged, fully in tune me – which isn’t good.  It’s not good for me, and it’s not good for you either. I took stock as I so often do.  I thought about how the information was feeling overwhelming and causing me to be anxious about life which in reality I really shouldn’t be anxious about because we’re all good. We’re healthy thriving peopl...
Continue Reading...
Follow Your Heart {And a Giveaway!}
I have four beautiful daughters ranging in age from 12 on down to 2: Mya, Mabel, Jada, and Annabelle.  Four hearts that I’ve been entrusted to nurture and care for. Four young ladies with strong wills and lots of estrogen. On the one hand, I love having four daughters.  I love watching them learn life skills and grow into their own personalities. I love crafting together and thinking about our future adventures when they’re grown; meeting up somewhere fun to shop till we drop or Ryan and I watching the grandbabies for the weekend so that they can get away with their husbands - goofy...
Continue Reading...
Brave and Beautiful.
One of the best aspects of being a blogger (even a very part time blogger) are the opportunities I have to review new book releases, and I am so excited about this recent opportunity to review Brave Beauty a devotional by Lynn Cowell; a beautiful inspirational book for the young girl in your life.  Brave Beauty encourages spiritual truths that girls of all ages need to hear and be reminded of on a consistent basis. Truths such as the appeal of inner beauty, boldly living your faith, being a friend to those in need, and putting your trust in God. Cowell gently guides the reader, chapter b...
Continue Reading...
Hope Prevails
I walked into the ultrasound room and felt the complete absence of warmth. No beauty relieved the coldness, no picture of a mother holding a child or a sunset over the water. Nothing to remind those who nervously waited of the potential for joy within the world. A large, heavyset woman poked with her stubby fingers at my thin, slightly rounded body. As the silence continued to descend, the air thick­ened with unspoken thoughts. I looked at this doctor, the expert I had been sent to, repeatedly trying to catch her eye, to shake her unmovable countenance. I wanted to see a glimpse of understandi...
Continue Reading...
Mother's Day Sale and Interview
Just a few items for consideration as you go about your week.   First - In honor of all of the wonderful mothers, grandmothers, and motherly figures in the world, I'm offering a Buy One / Get One 1/2 off sale on all autographed copies of Sunlight Burning at Midnight ordered here on the blog and also at Facebook/jessplusthemess.  It's the perfect time to buy one for yourself and then gift another to that special someone in your life. This sale will be honored all the way through to Mother's Day - May 14.  If you'd like the books sent to different ad...
Continue Reading...