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Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

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Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!

My Over Thinking Ways

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So I meant to post pictures of our romantic getaway but shockingly I forgot to.  Here are some now. 






 I have literally felt my brain cells deplete themselves from my head one by one over the past few years.  Sometimes I catch myself looking at Ryan or looking at one of our children with such a blank, I have no idea what thought was just in my head a second ago sort of look that I fear at times if they wonder if I’ve lost it.  I yearn for the day when I can carry on an intelligent conversation again and honestly once that day arrives, I’ll probably have nothing of value to say anymore.  Speaking of intelligent conversations, Ryan is often lured into deep conversations by his very loving wife who tends to over think most things.  I will talk about anything, especially with the man I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with, and he is still getting used to this aspect of me and if I’m honest, he has mentioned a time or two that it is the one trait he wishes he could change about me.  I admittedly have a tendency to over think. I have said to him, in my own defense, if I didn’t over think everything I probably wouldn’t have a whole lot to write about, and he did agree with that part of it but that still doesn’t mean he likes it a whole lot.
On the way up north for our getaway I looked at him and said, “You know, we should probably talk about death” and he turned and looked at me with this, yippy, this is going to be fun, sort of smile. I said, “I know we don’t want to think about it, but I really should know what your wishes are if you die and you should know mine.”  What a way to start a romantic getaway, let’s talk about our deaths.  He decided to humor me and play along.  I like to have things taken care of and we both actually did have these conversations in our previous lives and it made the planning so much easier knowing the final wishes of our first spouses.  His initial response was,” I don’t care, throw me in a lake.” To which I replied, “That would go over well with family and friends, seriously honey, what you want?”  His next reaction was,” Well, I don’t want to encourage anyone to be able to wallow in grief by making it some big deal, and I just want people to honor me by living their lives to the fullest.”  We both realize, all too well, that there is a difference between wallowing and respectfully remembering.   You can respectfully remember a person who has passed away by an occasional remembrance of that person or how their life impacted the world or you can wallow in that grief which is a form of, I believe, idolatry. That person can become an idol as you constantly try to return to those feelings of sadness by visiting the grave site all the time, watching videos all the time, and flipping through pictures all the time with the intent of becoming sad, and pushing live people away because of your grief. It seems that for some people they feel like their sadness atones for the deceased person’s loss of their life. As Ryan sat and thought about it, I shared with him my vision of what my death would encompass.  As I said, I think about it all so this had already been covered in my mind.  It is my dream to completely gut a dilapidated old villa in Tuscany someday, probably after the last of the kids move out of the house and then spend our summers there and rent it out the rest of the year.  I went there a few years ago and absolutely fell in love with Italy, (who doesn’t fall in love with Tuscany?) Ironically, neither one of us has been there with our former spouses.  I visited with my father and sister and Ryan, although he was only a few hours away from Italy when he was in Albania and always wanted to go, never made it as well.  It’s kind of a blessing in disguise that we can share that together someday.  So anyway, this beautiful villa will be finished someday, and I want to be buried in the vineyard behind it (yes, there will be a vineyard too). I tell Ryan this and he kind of looks at me like really?  and says, “You’re going to make me drag your body to Italy if you die?”  I said, “You’ll have life insurance, hire someone to do it.” So, needless to say, we completed that conversation and we are both very comfortable in the knowledge of what the other wants to occur.  I even gave him a second option if the whole Italian villa dream doesn’t pan out, but if I were a betting woman, I bet I have my villa someday.  In the meantime, we won’t dwell on the worst case scenario but instead we'll focus on making many cherished memories together. 

In loving memory of Sarella Bossenbroek, my 91 year old Gramma, who was reborn into Heaven this morning.  Thank you Gramma for your faithful example of love through the way you lived your life.  We’ll see you soon but not too soon!!



Just Keep Livin!!
Tagged in: Grief marriage My Story

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