The other night Ryan had a massive headache. Throughout the day and night he would occasionally hold his hand tightly against his head, in obvious pain, and neither Tylenol nor Motrin seemed to be able to dull the ache. Later on after the kids were put to bed, we settled comfortably on the couch to enjoy some down time together watching a movie and that’s when his eye started twitching. I was immediately transported back in time, to a previous life with a different husband and to the waves of feelings holding complete fear and despair over a terminal prognosis that I had no control over. I looked at him and said, “So help me if you have a brain tumor, I will not be known as the wife who causes her husbands to get brain tumors!” It was a sick attempt at humor while inside my own brain I was screaming at God, “So help me Lord if you do this to me again! If you allow me to be put through the wringer like that again after blessing me so richly in this life. If you take Ryan I will be done, You might as well take me too, because I am done.” This angry internal outburst towards my Creator did get me to thinking, IF He called Ryan home sooner than I was ready for him to go home, would I remain faithful? If He asked me to give it all up again, all the blessings of this life, my husband, my children, my abilities, my health, or financial comfort, would I still be faithful? Would I still run my race? Is all I have truly His as I’m so quick to write? Or was it just all His the first time around and so help me if I’m going to ever sacrifice like that again? Or if I was called upon to turn it over as Abraham did with Isaac, could I do it? With a contrite and thankful heart, knowing that He still had my life in the palm of his hand? Do I believe as Paul did when he wrote, “But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.” Phil 3:7-9. Do I truly consider all I have, all I hold dear in my life, loss to that which I have gained in Christ and in His sacrifice at Calvary? Is that what my faith honestly looks like? I have wrestled with this question. I do not believe that Ryan is going home soon, but I don’t know either. Someday we will have to part ways as one of us is called to our eternal home and someday, unless we go together, one of us will be forced to say goodbye, yet again, to one we love. I can only hope and pray that our story will mirror my grandparents who were blessed to only have to live apart for one month before they were reunited in Heaven. I do not want to be called to do anything like that ever again but if I am, will I be faithful? I think ultimately I could be and I think ultimately everyone who has the power of Jesus Christ living within them could be as well; it’s a matter of would we. That’s the personal part; we could because of Christ’s power but would we allow that power to work within us to do what we as mere humans could not do on our own? Would we surrender to his care and provision for our lives and surrender our wills for HIS ultimate plan and purpose which is so much bigger and better than our wildest dreams could ever imagine?
Would I? Would you?
By the way, Ryan is just fine. It turned out to be a pinched nerve that was causing a pretty intense headache. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.
Just keep livin!!