familypic
 
JessPlusMess

Limited Edition

Autographed Copy

Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

Subscribe to Blog

Your Name:
Your Email:

Search

Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!

More Grit

  • Font size: Larger Smaller
  • Subscribe to this entry
  • Print
My last post about THE list was not a personal vendetta.  I have been very fortunate to have all of the families involved accept and embrace me and accept and embrace Ryan as well. Yes, we’ve had to deal with some of the things mentioned in that post but not to the extremes that many other couples have had to endure them. My husband has been wonderful at making me feel like the only wife in his life at this point in time, and he has gone above and beyond to correct anything that makes me feel anything less than number one in his life.  It is a learning experience for both of us.  Neither one of us was handed a manual at the funeral on how to move on in life nor was either one of us given a how to book for moving forward in a new marriage.  But, through lots of trial and error, we are finding our way, and we are finally clicking together very comfortably in this new relationship.   I have been fortunate to be able to connect with many women in similar situations - those married to former widowers.  And, more often than not, these women experience deep hurts and pain in their marriages due to disrespectful actions and feelings that their husbands display over another woman – a deceased woman. Everyone should have a chance to have a healthy, Godly, productive, enriching, respectful experience in marriage and when one of the spouses brings another person into the marriage, even a deceased person, the person left standing often feels like a mistress. This is not a healthy feeling nor is it a Godly feeling to have in a marriage.

I have a heart for marriage.  Everyone has something that they are passionate about and marriages are at the top of that list for me. This is in part, I believe, to the early loss of my previous marriage. I have taken ownership of certain aspects of that marriage that I would do differently if given the opportunity, and I feel like I have been given an opportunity to right my wrongs in this new marriage. I really root for everyone to have a Godly, faith filled, hot, passionate marriage where all the scabs and icks have been peeled away and the two spouses love each other as close as possible to Christ’s example of loving the church, full of undeserved grace and mercy.  I believe healthy, loving marriages are the foundation to a well functioning society, and I work very hard at my marriage and making sure I am the best wife I can be for my husband. I own about every marriage book out there, and if someone is struggling in their relationship it affects me deeply.  It is something that moves me to action whether it be my own marriage, friend’s marriages, or a perfect stranger’s marriage, and this is where a community of women married to former widowers comes into play. I’ve read many horror stories from women who have married former widowers and the problem with many of these stories is that you end up feeling like they aren’t former widowers at all -  they are in fact living with men who still act like widowers!  Many of the daily things that these women have to deal with because they married a widower are literally cringe worthy. There was, for example, the woman who got all dressed up for a beautiful night on the town with her boyfriend.  He took her to a romantic, elegant restaurant, wined and dined her, all in celebration of his marriage anniversary to his LATE WIFE. Or, there’s the wife who has to comfort her husband on every birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Easter, every single holiday as he cries for days on end over his long lost love, and she feels invisible in her own marriage.  The woman who never heard from her husband that she was beautiful because that’s what he told his late wife, or the countless women who have had to sleep in a bed that was shared with another wife for years, or the women waking up, married to their husbands and seeing pictures of another woman plastered all over their bedroom walls and last but not least, the woman who was given the late wife’s wedding ring as her engagement ring - now there’s a classy move.  I could go on and on and on. It is really sad that there is not some sort of therapy or class out there to teach these men what is appropriate behavior for someone who is ready to move on and not only date but so often marry these women. I hurt for these women and for their relationships. We don’t speak ill of the dead in our society and for some insane reason it’s acceptable for a man to commit to a woman with a till death do us part sort of ceremony with a promise to love, honor, and cherish only her and then insist that his late wife be accepted into the union as well.   I am in a unique position, having been a widow myself, where I can say it and no one can or will say to me that I don’t understand.  I would never, out of respect for my husband, think it was appropriate to bring any other man into our marriage, not even a deceased man who I was married to for ten years.  It’s disrespectful and it shows a need for continued grieving for any man or woman who does this. I was not insinuating in the last post that the death of a loved one is a funny situation in any way; what I was in fact showcasing is the ridiculousness that many of us women who marry these men are expected to put up with.  I presented it so that others can begin to see and hopefully empathize a bit with what we are expected to live with.  We don’t talk about it in our society and for some reason by suggesting that a man (or a woman) move on and be respectful of the new love in their life seems to be taken as a suggestion that they aren’t remembering or being respectful of the deceased.  I would argue that they aren’t remembering or being respectful of the living by dwelling on the past. My angle, as Ryan pointed out, is graceful grit.  People appreciate the honesty that I give and you’re going to get it all the way around with me.  Some of what I write about will be painful to read for some people.  I hope that you can understand that it’s not personal, just as how it’s not personal when I have been subjected to situations that I’m sure were not intentionally meant to cause pain.  I extend grace by understanding - it’s not personal, hopefully the same grace is extended to me as I write.
  • Guest
    Elaine Jones Wednesday, September 12, 2012

    Tell it! I ended a relationship in part (not fully...

    Tell it! I ended a relationship in part (not fully) because of issues associated with dating a Widower. While there were some hurtful instances and relationships with LW famliy and friends it was most HIS (the Ws) constant need to "honor" the mother of his children. The continual gravesite visits even 15 yrs after she passed. Even though Daughters were well into adulthood and could go on their own. The sadness and upset still on special days - 15 yrs later. Numberous other issues. It felt like my relatinship was not my own and I didn't want to live the rest of my life feeling as an also ran. I was assured this man loved me and there was no competition as far as him loving LW above me, but I also didn't want to live the rest of my life in aconstant reference to a woman who passed way yrs ago that I never knew . I respected and understood that he loved his previous wife and that it was terribly tragic she died so young leaving behind 2 small daughtgers and a husband. But as Jess and other have eloquently put it I can respect the memory of someone and STILL demand a life and love of my own. I too have come from a painful past. I am divorced and marriage is something I hold dear. I did not necessarily chose a divorce but rather had bibical reasons to divorce - and did not take that decision lightly. I have raised 2 sons on my own and struggled. I have always felt if I remarried I wanted the Godly and special marriage that I did not have the first time. Marrying this particular Widower I finally realized would never afford me that. I would always live my life and marriage in a sort of a perpetual threesome. So much of Widower's ability to be successful in marriage is about his ability to let the grief go. It does not mean "forgetting" the LW but it does mean it's time to release the grip is holds over ones life and if he is truly ready for a Godly marriage he will forsake all others when he remarried INCLUDING the LW. That is not insensitive that is not saying we cannot remember or honor our deceased loved one.

  • Guest
    fish Wednesday, September 12, 2012

    Jess, I love your grit!

    Jess, I love your grit!

  • Please login first in order for you to submit comments

Latest Blogs

Easy One Bowl Cookies
Here's a fantastic go to cookies recipe that can be adapted in many ways.  This makes about 2 dozen cookies and they're almost guilt free as I've been able to replace many of the not so healthy ingredients with healthier ones.  Enjoy!      2 sticks of butter softened 1/2 cup maple syrup or 1 cup sugar http://www.greatrivermilling.com/organic-pancake-waffle-mixes/ 1 cup brown sugar 2 eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla 2 cups Great River Organic Milling Bread Flour Blend with oats.http://amzn.to/2F46IOg 1 tea baking soda 1 tea salt 1/2 tea baking powder 1-2 cups dark chocolat...
Continue Reading...
Winter Walk
I glanced to the left and recognized a spattering of houses and to the right – nothing but naked branches swaying in the stagnant air. I leaned into the vacancy and began moving, one foot in front of the other – the vicious cold biting my face and freezing the tears as they fell. I walked in penance for whatever grave sin I had committed – a sin which had led to a recent life of so much pain and heartache. I knew that surely if my husband held the strength to wage war against numerous rounds of poison, and my son had the strength to defy the proclamations of death voiced against him, and my c...
Continue Reading...
In Search of Snow and Fun!
A few days ago we told the kids that we had a surprise for them and to pack their bags for some fun! They were excited – some of them handle surprises better than others (my bios become highly suspicious – like their mother - whatever; it’s character building), whereas, Ryan’s bios become the happiest clan of children in the whole wide world! There’s nothing they like better than a fun time and man, when they envision a good time, they go big. Ryan and I were craving snow and worked our destination around this desire, and so off to the Smoky Mountains we went – more specifically off to Gatlin...
Continue Reading...
Grab Em and Go Waffles.
Alrighty!    Here are the waffles that we make ALL THE TIME at the Ronne house.  Our kids are up and at em early - 6:00 a.m. early, which about made me die when we first moved to Tennessee, but I have to admit, I've gotten used to the early mornings  (or I'm now 40 and don't require as much sleep).  Whatever it is, these waffles are life savers.  They are easy, filling, one bowl wonders full of nutrition, and the best part of all?  They don't require syrup which saves you (mom and dad) the hassle of needing to clean up (house and kid).  All of my kids lo...
Continue Reading...
The Ronne Recap - 2017.
Me – Mama – Queen Bee. The year began with Ryan and I realizing we needed to pursue a different kind of help for Lucas than we were receiving through the state.  For a number of reasons, which I will explain in great depth someday but not today, we were frustrated with the system and decided to pursue some stability for him with a consistent person and that thought turned into an au pair.  The plan was that she would help with Luke, the other kids, cooking, and cleaning.  Ryan built an apartment in our barn (it’s so cute), and we began the process of searching for the perfect ...
Continue Reading...
Healthy(ish) Cinnamon Rolls
Who doesn't love a warm, gooey cinnamon roll on Christmas morning, and in my opinion, it's even better if you can sneak a little nutrition into them as well!  Here's my take on our favorite Christmas treat.    Enjoy!    Just keep livin!
Continue Reading...
Broken Baby Jesus
“MOM! Annabelle broke baby Jesus again!” one of my children shouted from the family room. I sighed and walked over to my youngest who was gently holding a delicate, ceramic baby Jesus in her small hands, a ceramic baby who had been placed front and center on our coffee table during the holiday season and usually replaced every few days with a fresh application of hot glue because Annabelle had somehow managed to dismember his arm from the rest of his body once again.  “Annabelle, give Mama baby Jesus.  You broke him and Mama needs to fix him - again.” “NO MAMA! ME WANT BABY JESUS!...
Continue Reading...
A New Desk and A Podcast Debut
Remember the old metal table I had my eye on in my husband's junk pile awhile back?    It's not an old metal table anymore! Not only has he masterfully restored it to a beautiful new desk, but he's also masterfully restored an old barn on our property into a quiet space for me to write and practice yoga.  I am loving the solitude of this space when I find time to escape for a few minutes and this is where I was able to chat about life the other day with Hallie Klecker, host of the Life Well Nourished podcast. So much fun, but I should preface with one little thing before ...
Continue Reading...
Community & Belonging
I say all of this not with the intention of eliciting sympathy, no, we choose this life, and although at times we question whether or not we should pursue a move to one particular hub or another, we have decided for the time being that we are in the right place for raising our family.  This may change as kids grow and age and fly the coop, and then we could realistically look at 3 or 4 bedroom homes; however, that’s not our current reality, and we firmly believe God has us here for a reason (if not two or three reasons).  Although busyness and life often keep us from bein...
Continue Reading...
Adored {and a giveaway!}
Another book review coming from Mabel Grace. She really enjoys the spotlight (shocking, I know), and loves participating in these reviews on mom’s blog. Lindsay Franklin’s Adored devotional book for young women, was another perfect opportunity for her to showcase how relevant these books are for a young women like herself.     Hi, my name is Mabel. I am here to tell you about an amazing book that helped me with a few things that I am not very good at, well actually not at all. What I mean is that I am not good with patience. The book that I am talking to you about is called Ado...
Continue Reading...