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Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

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Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!

Let's Talk Sex...

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I follow a few marriage blogs pretty consistently: www.sexwithinmarriage.com, www.tolovehonorandvacuum.com, and finally, www.hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com.  They are all primarily dedicated to sex related topics within the confines of a Godly marriage relationship. It is interesting to me that this once very taboo subject, regarding hot, pure sex within a Christian marriage, is coming to light with the dawn of the internet age which is enabling women to chime in and ask questions on a very public forum in a very private way.  I’ve decided to jump on the band wagon and offer my two cents on this delicate, yet always interesting subject.  Ironically this will probably be the blog post that gets the most hits, not the ones about 7 kids, nor the one where my late husband dies, or the one about the adoption, or being married to a former widower, but this one where the mom of 7 kids tackles some sex issues. I have a unique perspective on this topic, I think, having had two healthy marriages within a 12 year time span.  The first marriage was the one where all of the children were produced and if my late husband had not gotten sick, we would have been at a pivotal crossroads point soon in our relationship where many couples find themselves after the chaotic birthing years are over.  We would have been faced with the decision of going forward as couple and rediscovering the spark that once connected us to each other that IS so often lost in those frenzied years involving pregnancy, babies, and small children, or we would have shut down the relationship part of our marriage and invested every ounce of energy and resources into our children to avoid connecting on an intimate level once again. We then would have either moved forward like this for the next 20 or 30 years in a completely dead and stagnant posture or we would have ultimately walked away from it all with a divorce.  In my second marriage I found myself in a unique situation in that there were not going to be anymore pregnancies or babies to distract me, and my husband took priority immediately because we didn’t have the time or the chaos invested in pregnancies or babies to loose ourselves in. Therefore, sex in my two marriages was viewed very differently from my womanly perspective.  In the first marriage it was more often about procreation, and in this second marriage with no procreations planned, it is purely about enjoyment.  Going into my first marriage I understood that men, very regularly, wanted sex more than women did - key word in that statement being wanted.  That was the way I understood it.  I did not understand any of the physiological, emotional, or physical meanings behind them wanting “it.”  And, if men only wanted sex then it could also be expected that they were very capable of waiting or adhering to a woman’s agenda for something she was expected to participate it.  In my young, immature mind I related it to wanting my bedroom repainted or wanting a $70 dollar pair of jeans or wanting to go on a vacation.  All wants, not needs, therefore through self-control and some savings, I could, if I wanted to, hold out for these desires.  What I did not understand as a young married woman that I understand now is that for a man sex is NOT a want but it is indeed a need.  Yes, a man can wait, yes, it is a very uncomfortable wait, yes that wait most likely and most often will turn into a man either turning to pornography and/or masturbation or the worst case scenario – turning to another woman.  What I also did not understand as my younger self was that my husband equated the amount of sex he was getting with the amount of love he was feeling.  Men feel loved through sex.  Men feel wanted through sex.  Men feel respected through sex. These are all basic needs for a man with the number one need being respect, and if a man is having sex consistently with the woman he has vowed to love, honor, and cherish until his dying day he is feeling a level of respect from his wife; the number one person from whom he needs to feel respect from.  A man does not open up on an emotional level with most people and most of a man’s relationships are pretty shallow.  Occasionally he will go deep with a man but you, as his wife, know him in a far deeper, more personal, more intimate level than anyone else on the face of the earth will ever know him.  You know his weaknesses, his accomplishments, his hopes, his dreams, his failures, his faith, and you know him in the most intimate way of knowing another human being; that being sexually.  He needs to feel that you respect him enough to validate his need to feel loved by you through sex.  Yes, he is capable of waiting but why, through our own selfishness, would we require that of the men we love?  I understand that there are times when we physically MUST wait, such as pregnancy or after the birth of a child, or that time of the month, but there are alternatives that can be explored during these waiting periods as well, but generally, why do we as women strip our husbands of the respect that they can only obtain through us by withholding one of the most essential ingredients from them to be able to rise to the stature of manhood, fatherhood, and husbandry that God has intended for an awesome Christian marriage?  Why do we as women do this? What do you think?
Just keep livin!!
 
Tagged in: marriage sex
  • Guest
    Vertical Mom Thursday, October 4, 2012

    Great post! I agree 100%. It is so important to ...

    Great post! I agree 100%. It is so important to get help if we have issues with sex. There may be something in our past that hinders our passion but God created sex. It's a form of worship! For cryin' out loud, there's an entire book of the Bible dedicated to it! The interesting thing about sex, too, is that the more we have it, the more we want it and vice versa. So, if you're "not in the mood", then have more sex!

  • Guest
    Jess+the Mess Friday, October 5, 2012

    thank you vertical mom! You are always so uplifti...

    thank you vertical mom! You are always so uplifting and encouraging in your comments. I agree, get in the mood by having some sex!!

  • Guest
    Amy Monday, October 8, 2012

    I have a husband who is gone a lot for work. He is...

    I have a husband who is gone a lot for work. He is generally gone for 2-3 month blocks. Any ideas on how to keep him happy in these times?

  • Guest
    Jess+the Mess Monday, October 8, 2012

    Amy, I think you need to have a heart to heart wit...

    Amy, I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and find out what exactly he feels his needs are, whether he feels his needs are being met, and quite honestly, how they are being met with the distance between the two of you. There are a lot of creative options to explore but you will both need to feel comfortable with whatever you choose. The websites that I mention in this post offer loads of suggestions on this very problem. Hopefully that helps a bit!

  • Guest
    Dawn Marie Wednesday, October 24, 2012

    I have to add that nearly every aspect of life has...

    I have to add that nearly every aspect of life has boundaries: don't exceed the speed limit, don't overdraft your account, be careful what you say, follow the rules, adhere to the guidelines or things will fall apart. And as a couple and family holding it together can be stressful!But within the one and only guideline of marriage, sex is no holds barred. The sexual relationship of a married couple can be the one area of life where there is no such thing as "too much fun!" It can be an area of complete freedom and total satisfaction. Sometimes we need to just get out of our own way to have the beautiful, selfless and amazing love life God intended for us!

  • Guest
    Jess+the Mess Wednesday, October 24, 2012

    great observation Dawn, I agree completely! thank...

    great observation Dawn, I agree completely! thanks for the comment

  • Guest
    Anonymous Friday, October 26, 2012

    Jess you bring a very unique perspective with the ...

    Jess you bring a very unique perspective with the second marriage blended family aspect and we need you to weigh in on this thing of sex within marriage. Being a man I can relate to what you are saying from the mans perspective and this is all so true. Thank you for encouraging wives to enter into the joy of serving and meeting needs that the beauty of marriage creates. It is a God thing to get us to live unselfishly.Thanks againI have been there

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