familypic
 
JessPlusMess

Limited Edition

Autographed Copy

Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

Subscribe to Blog

Your Name:
Your Email:

Search

Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!

Let's Talk Sex...

  • Font size: Larger Smaller
  • Subscribe to this entry
  • Print

 

I follow a few marriage blogs pretty consistently: www.sexwithinmarriage.com, www.tolovehonorandvacuum.com, and finally, www.hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com.  They are all primarily dedicated to sex related topics within the confines of a Godly marriage relationship. It is interesting to me that this once very taboo subject, regarding hot, pure sex within a Christian marriage, is coming to light with the dawn of the internet age which is enabling women to chime in and ask questions on a very public forum in a very private way.  I’ve decided to jump on the band wagon and offer my two cents on this delicate, yet always interesting subject.  Ironically this will probably be the blog post that gets the most hits, not the ones about 7 kids, nor the one where my late husband dies, or the one about the adoption, or being married to a former widower, but this one where the mom of 7 kids tackles some sex issues. I have a unique perspective on this topic, I think, having had two healthy marriages within a 12 year time span.  The first marriage was the one where all of the children were produced and if my late husband had not gotten sick, we would have been at a pivotal crossroads point soon in our relationship where many couples find themselves after the chaotic birthing years are over.  We would have been faced with the decision of going forward as couple and rediscovering the spark that once connected us to each other that IS so often lost in those frenzied years involving pregnancy, babies, and small children, or we would have shut down the relationship part of our marriage and invested every ounce of energy and resources into our children to avoid connecting on an intimate level once again. We then would have either moved forward like this for the next 20 or 30 years in a completely dead and stagnant posture or we would have ultimately walked away from it all with a divorce.  In my second marriage I found myself in a unique situation in that there were not going to be anymore pregnancies or babies to distract me, and my husband took priority immediately because we didn’t have the time or the chaos invested in pregnancies or babies to loose ourselves in. Therefore, sex in my two marriages was viewed very differently from my womanly perspective.  In the first marriage it was more often about procreation, and in this second marriage with no procreations planned, it is purely about enjoyment.  Going into my first marriage I understood that men, very regularly, wanted sex more than women did - key word in that statement being wanted.  That was the way I understood it.  I did not understand any of the physiological, emotional, or physical meanings behind them wanting “it.”  And, if men only wanted sex then it could also be expected that they were very capable of waiting or adhering to a woman’s agenda for something she was expected to participate it.  In my young, immature mind I related it to wanting my bedroom repainted or wanting a $70 dollar pair of jeans or wanting to go on a vacation.  All wants, not needs, therefore through self-control and some savings, I could, if I wanted to, hold out for these desires.  What I did not understand as a young married woman that I understand now is that for a man sex is NOT a want but it is indeed a need.  Yes, a man can wait, yes, it is a very uncomfortable wait, yes that wait most likely and most often will turn into a man either turning to pornography and/or masturbation or the worst case scenario – turning to another woman.  What I also did not understand as my younger self was that my husband equated the amount of sex he was getting with the amount of love he was feeling.  Men feel loved through sex.  Men feel wanted through sex.  Men feel respected through sex. These are all basic needs for a man with the number one need being respect, and if a man is having sex consistently with the woman he has vowed to love, honor, and cherish until his dying day he is feeling a level of respect from his wife; the number one person from whom he needs to feel respect from.  A man does not open up on an emotional level with most people and most of a man’s relationships are pretty shallow.  Occasionally he will go deep with a man but you, as his wife, know him in a far deeper, more personal, more intimate level than anyone else on the face of the earth will ever know him.  You know his weaknesses, his accomplishments, his hopes, his dreams, his failures, his faith, and you know him in the most intimate way of knowing another human being; that being sexually.  He needs to feel that you respect him enough to validate his need to feel loved by you through sex.  Yes, he is capable of waiting but why, through our own selfishness, would we require that of the men we love?  I understand that there are times when we physically MUST wait, such as pregnancy or after the birth of a child, or that time of the month, but there are alternatives that can be explored during these waiting periods as well, but generally, why do we as women strip our husbands of the respect that they can only obtain through us by withholding one of the most essential ingredients from them to be able to rise to the stature of manhood, fatherhood, and husbandry that God has intended for an awesome Christian marriage?  Why do we as women do this? What do you think?
Just keep livin!!
 
Tagged in: marriage sex
  • Guest
    Vertical Mom Thursday, October 4, 2012

    Great post! I agree 100%. It is so important to ...

    Great post! I agree 100%. It is so important to get help if we have issues with sex. There may be something in our past that hinders our passion but God created sex. It's a form of worship! For cryin' out loud, there's an entire book of the Bible dedicated to it! The interesting thing about sex, too, is that the more we have it, the more we want it and vice versa. So, if you're "not in the mood", then have more sex!

  • Guest
    Jess+the Mess Friday, October 5, 2012

    thank you vertical mom! You are always so uplifti...

    thank you vertical mom! You are always so uplifting and encouraging in your comments. I agree, get in the mood by having some sex!!

  • Guest
    Amy Monday, October 8, 2012

    I have a husband who is gone a lot for work. He is...

    I have a husband who is gone a lot for work. He is generally gone for 2-3 month blocks. Any ideas on how to keep him happy in these times?

  • Guest
    Jess+the Mess Monday, October 8, 2012

    Amy, I think you need to have a heart to heart wit...

    Amy, I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and find out what exactly he feels his needs are, whether he feels his needs are being met, and quite honestly, how they are being met with the distance between the two of you. There are a lot of creative options to explore but you will both need to feel comfortable with whatever you choose. The websites that I mention in this post offer loads of suggestions on this very problem. Hopefully that helps a bit!

  • Guest
    Dawn Marie Wednesday, October 24, 2012

    I have to add that nearly every aspect of life has...

    I have to add that nearly every aspect of life has boundaries: don't exceed the speed limit, don't overdraft your account, be careful what you say, follow the rules, adhere to the guidelines or things will fall apart. And as a couple and family holding it together can be stressful!But within the one and only guideline of marriage, sex is no holds barred. The sexual relationship of a married couple can be the one area of life where there is no such thing as "too much fun!" It can be an area of complete freedom and total satisfaction. Sometimes we need to just get out of our own way to have the beautiful, selfless and amazing love life God intended for us!

  • Guest
    Jess+the Mess Wednesday, October 24, 2012

    great observation Dawn, I agree completely! thank...

    great observation Dawn, I agree completely! thanks for the comment

  • Guest
    Anonymous Friday, October 26, 2012

    Jess you bring a very unique perspective with the ...

    Jess you bring a very unique perspective with the second marriage blended family aspect and we need you to weigh in on this thing of sex within marriage. Being a man I can relate to what you are saying from the mans perspective and this is all so true. Thank you for encouraging wives to enter into the joy of serving and meeting needs that the beauty of marriage creates. It is a God thing to get us to live unselfishly.Thanks againI have been there

  • Please login first in order for you to submit comments

Latest Blogs

Easy One Bowl Cookies
Here's a fantastic go to cookies recipe that can be adapted in many ways.  This makes about 2 dozen cookies and they're almost guilt free as I've been able to replace many of the not so healthy ingredients with healthier ones.  Enjoy!      2 sticks of butter softened 1/2 cup maple syrup or 1 cup sugar http://www.greatrivermilling.com/organic-pancake-waffle-mixes/ 1 cup brown sugar 2 eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla 2 cups Great River Organic Milling Bread Flour Blend with oats.http://amzn.to/2F46IOg 1 tea baking soda 1 tea salt 1/2 tea baking powder 1-2 cups dark chocolat...
Continue Reading...
Winter Walk
I glanced to the left and recognized a spattering of houses and to the right – nothing but naked branches swaying in the stagnant air. I leaned into the vacancy and began moving, one foot in front of the other – the vicious cold biting my face and freezing the tears as they fell. I walked in penance for whatever grave sin I had committed – a sin which had led to a recent life of so much pain and heartache. I knew that surely if my husband held the strength to wage war against numerous rounds of poison, and my son had the strength to defy the proclamations of death voiced against him, and my c...
Continue Reading...
In Search of Snow and Fun!
A few days ago we told the kids that we had a surprise for them and to pack their bags for some fun! They were excited – some of them handle surprises better than others (my bios become highly suspicious – like their mother - whatever; it’s character building), whereas, Ryan’s bios become the happiest clan of children in the whole wide world! There’s nothing they like better than a fun time and man, when they envision a good time, they go big. Ryan and I were craving snow and worked our destination around this desire, and so off to the Smoky Mountains we went – more specifically off to Gatlin...
Continue Reading...
Grab Em and Go Waffles.
Alrighty!    Here are the waffles that we make ALL THE TIME at the Ronne house.  Our kids are up and at em early - 6:00 a.m. early, which about made me die when we first moved to Tennessee, but I have to admit, I've gotten used to the early mornings  (or I'm now 40 and don't require as much sleep).  Whatever it is, these waffles are life savers.  They are easy, filling, one bowl wonders full of nutrition, and the best part of all?  They don't require syrup which saves you (mom and dad) the hassle of needing to clean up (house and kid).  All of my kids lo...
Continue Reading...
The Ronne Recap - 2017.
Me – Mama – Queen Bee. The year began with Ryan and I realizing we needed to pursue a different kind of help for Lucas than we were receiving through the state.  For a number of reasons, which I will explain in great depth someday but not today, we were frustrated with the system and decided to pursue some stability for him with a consistent person and that thought turned into an au pair.  The plan was that she would help with Luke, the other kids, cooking, and cleaning.  Ryan built an apartment in our barn (it’s so cute), and we began the process of searching for the perfect ...
Continue Reading...
Healthy(ish) Cinnamon Rolls
Who doesn't love a warm, gooey cinnamon roll on Christmas morning, and in my opinion, it's even better if you can sneak a little nutrition into them as well!  Here's my take on our favorite Christmas treat.    Enjoy!    Just keep livin!
Continue Reading...
Broken Baby Jesus
“MOM! Annabelle broke baby Jesus again!” one of my children shouted from the family room. I sighed and walked over to my youngest who was gently holding a delicate, ceramic baby Jesus in her small hands, a ceramic baby who had been placed front and center on our coffee table during the holiday season and usually replaced every few days with a fresh application of hot glue because Annabelle had somehow managed to dismember his arm from the rest of his body once again.  “Annabelle, give Mama baby Jesus.  You broke him and Mama needs to fix him - again.” “NO MAMA! ME WANT BABY JESUS!...
Continue Reading...
A New Desk and A Podcast Debut
Remember the old metal table I had my eye on in my husband's junk pile awhile back?    It's not an old metal table anymore! Not only has he masterfully restored it to a beautiful new desk, but he's also masterfully restored an old barn on our property into a quiet space for me to write and practice yoga.  I am loving the solitude of this space when I find time to escape for a few minutes and this is where I was able to chat about life the other day with Hallie Klecker, host of the Life Well Nourished podcast. So much fun, but I should preface with one little thing before ...
Continue Reading...
Community & Belonging
I say all of this not with the intention of eliciting sympathy, no, we choose this life, and although at times we question whether or not we should pursue a move to one particular hub or another, we have decided for the time being that we are in the right place for raising our family.  This may change as kids grow and age and fly the coop, and then we could realistically look at 3 or 4 bedroom homes; however, that’s not our current reality, and we firmly believe God has us here for a reason (if not two or three reasons).  Although busyness and life often keep us from bein...
Continue Reading...
Adored {and a giveaway!}
Another book review coming from Mabel Grace. She really enjoys the spotlight (shocking, I know), and loves participating in these reviews on mom’s blog. Lindsay Franklin’s Adored devotional book for young women, was another perfect opportunity for her to showcase how relevant these books are for a young women like herself.     Hi, my name is Mabel. I am here to tell you about an amazing book that helped me with a few things that I am not very good at, well actually not at all. What I mean is that I am not good with patience. The book that I am talking to you about is called Ado...
Continue Reading...