familypic
 
JessPlusMess

Limited Edition

Autographed Copy

Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

Subscribe to Blog

Your Name:
Your Email:

Search

Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!

Faith and Strength

  • Font size: Larger Smaller
  • Subscribe to this entry
  • Print

It’s ironic, in my previous blog I was heralded by many people who followed my ramblings as a woman with unwavering strength and faith in the midst of a very trying situation.  My strength and determination were viewed as something almost heroic. Now to be honest, I wasn’t writing about the complete breakdowns on the shower floor, sobbing uncontrollably while my husband lay dying in the room below, nor was I writing about my nights of literally sweating and trembling through the midnight hours as I begged God for a miracle, but I did write as honestly as I could about my fears and my faith.  After Jason was called home I wanted to be married again, pretty much as soon as possible, and I made that clear on the blog as well.  I had grieved deeply through the three years of his cancer journey and toward the end I was begging for God’s mercy to take him home so that I could pick up the pieces of my life, be a present mom again, and try to find love again. I loved being married, and I had a good marriage. We had our stuff as any marriage does but we worked well together.  I loved the security and the trust that a marriage gave, I loved having a best friend to hang out with every day, I loved it all, and I was ready to head out to wherever widows with four kids go when they are 33 years old and find myself a husband. Lest it sound like I was in denial or not grieving the death of my husband properly, until you walk in the shoes of someone caring for a terminally ill loved one for a long period of time you can’t understand the distance that starts to take place, especially in a spousal relationship.  There is this slow death that occurs with the relationship as cancer takes over and as his wife I began slowly backing away from the emotional attachment of a husband/wife team as I became his caretaker.  Intimacy, fun, flirting, dates, all of those things take a back seat as you become solely fixated on life and saving this person’s life becoming the ultimate goal with the hope that someday the relationship will rebound through the love that binds the two of you.  As I prayed about wanting to be married again and even really contemplated some of the online dating sites out there, God spoke clearly to me about waiting until the New Year.  Part of this, as I look back, was good.  I was trying to avoid the pain of Jason’s death by staying busy and optimistic.  By waiting I had to deal with those emotions but again, most of the stages of grief had been thoroughly dealt with prior to his actual death.   I felt strongly that I wasn’t supposed to push anything until January and if I wanted to pursue all my options then, I could.  Ironically, I met Ryan November 2nd and about a week later we knew that we would probably get married.
 I’ve discovered that strength and faith are viewed very differently in these two situations.  While I was always praised for my unyielding faith as my husband was dying, it wasn’t quite the cheer I heard when that same faith and strength enabled me to move forward so quickly and determined in a new life of blessing that God had for me.  People viewed it almost as a betrayal to Jason that I was able to “replace” him so quickly.  The thing is, God replaced him.  Jason and I lived out our till death do us part vows.  When he died, I felt that release, my husband was gone.  My faith knew it, and I was free to walk with determination into a new life if God saw fit to send it my way.  I mourned his loss for the three years he struggled with brain cancer, I mourned his loss during my dating months with Ryan, and unfortunately I mourned his loss for about the first 6 months of our marriage, but that’s how it happened.  I will never be over the pain surrounding his death but I have certainly risen above it.  I don’t dwell on it at all, and I am not going to let it cloud my happiness in this life.  His death brought about this life I love now.  Without him dying, I wouldn’t have this: Ryan, Tate, Mya, Jada, all of it, is gone without his death.  So sacrificially his death brought about this life for me, for all of us.  Yes, I’ll always cherish what we had together, but I also cherish too much what I have now to wallow in the past, and so my strength and my faith will continue to propel me forward into all that God has to offer for me and for my family.  Just Keep Livin!!
  • Guest
    Anonymous Monday, May 21, 2012

    Jessica I will be honest I was complete shocked th...

    Jessica I will be honest I was complete shocked that you were getting married so quickly. I only started reading your Carepage when my sister was diagnosed with a GBM Sept 14, 2007. So she only lived 1 year to the date Sept 14, 2008 with hers and I thank GOD Jason lived 3 years with his brain cancer and was able to talk to the children and you and share things. My sister had a stroke during her 1 and only brain surgery and she couldnt communicate at all. My BNL started dating the month after she died his ex-wife which he swore to my sister he never would. and did. That lasted 2months he remembered why he divorsed her. then another and that lady said he was interviewing her for a wife & she wasnt interested it that. the 3rd was 6 months after my sister passed... that was 3 years ago now. they have broken up and gotten back to gether and broken up. And most issues was his children which are good kids. She is a good person but she is not interested in being a mother to his children. well they got married last weekend. I understand the loneliness and I THANK GOD Ryan came into your life when he did. And I prayed for GOD to bring my BNL someone that would love my sisters children as their own. But it didnt happen for us. SO from someone on the other side. Know it wasnt that people didnt want you to be happy and move on it is that WE are still grieving and not ready to move on. Ryan can't replace Jason. but he can love those children as his own. And your former MNL sounds like she has taken to Ryan we well and that is great. Had my BNL found someone that loved his children as their own I would have welcomed them with open arms just as my sister would have wanted.

  • Guest
    Anonymous Monday, May 21, 2012

    It really is about Gods will and his timing...and ...

    It really is about Gods will and his timing...and being certain and secure in your faith....Jason is in a glorious place we can only imagine...being the warrior in the best way possible.....being ready and open to Gods plan for our lives no matter what others think, also means being open to the gifts and blessings that only God can do......God is Glorious! We mess it up when we think and plan too much......Faith can move mountains.....Fmil. Holly

  • Guest
    Anonymous Tuesday, May 22, 2012

    My W has told me over the last year that even thou...

    My W has told me over the last year that even though we started dating me 5 months after his LW passed, his attachment to her left years before. He said that he said goodbye to her several times over the last 3 trying years. Although we have had some tough times over the last year, he said he wants to live his life and be happy. She would want him too at age 35. He has always told me from day one that she was his love of his life for the first half of his life and I'll be his love of his life for the rest of his. He feels he loved her with everything he had until the moment she died and now that she is not here, he has to find happiness and move on. His former in-law's feel that moving on is a complete lack of respect to their daughter. I didn't come into his life until after she was gone. He made the choice to date and he pursued me. I pray every day that the FIL's will eventually except me as part of his and their granddaughters life. Until then, I try not to worry about their disrespect towards me. Grieving is handled different by everyone!Kelly

  • Guest
    Anonymous Thursday, June 14, 2012

    I am so thankful for you and Ryan that God led you...

    I am so thankful for you and Ryan that God led you to each other so quickly. I went to church with Ryan and watched as he came faithfully to church, even the week after Kaci's death. I am so glad that God gave you that man of God, and that He gave Ryan a woman who would understand what he was going through. You weren't out to replace Jason, but to fill the void left by your husband. When I lost my child, I wanted to get pregnant again right away...not to replace my little Hope, but to fill the void and love a child. I still miss Hope and wish she was here, but my son Noah has been a balm to my hurting soul. He doesn't replace Hope at all...but has helped heal from her loss. God understands and He sent you two to each other because He saw your need, heard your prayers, and bestowed His grace to you. Becky Saunders

  • Guest
    A Girl Thursday, July 5, 2012

    Thank you for sharing this. I am dating a man who...

    Thank you for sharing this. I am dating a man who lost his wife two years ago. Together they had five children and a wonderful, loving, Godly marriage. Reading the way that you felt about grieving Jason's death and then moving forward to new love really helps me see things through my W's eyes. I wish you the best and I love reading your blog! Lorena

  • Please login first in order for you to submit comments

Latest Blogs

Hope Prevails
I walked into the ultrasound room and felt the complete absence of warmth. No beauty relieved the coldness, no picture of a mother holding a child or a sunset over the water. Nothing to remind those who nervously waited of the potential for joy within the world. A large, heavyset woman poked with her stubby fingers at my thin, slightly rounded body. As the silence continued to descend, the air thick­ened with unspoken thoughts. I looked at this doctor, the expert I had been sent to, repeatedly trying to catch her eye, to shake her unmovable countenance. I wanted to see a glimpse of understandi...
Continue Reading...
Mother's Day Sale and Interview
Just a few items for consideration as you go about your week.   First - In honor of all of the wonderful mothers, grandmothers, and motherly figures in the world, I'm offering a Buy One / Get One 1/2 off sale on all autographed copies of Sunlight Burning at Midnight ordered here on the blog and also at Facebook/jessplusthemess.  It's the perfect time to buy one for yourself and then gift another to that special someone in your life. This sale will be honored all the way through to Mother's Day - May 14.  If you'd like the books sent to different ad...
Continue Reading...
Easter Memories 2017
One way we’ve been able to accomplish this desire is by peeling back many of the layers of what’s expected for a particular holiday and ask ourselves: A. Do we have the energy levels required to enjoy this activity (whatever it may be – elaborate meal, presentation, etc) or will this addition stress us out and if so, the activity needs to be eliminated or reconfigured to meet our current energy levels so that it doesn’t potentially hinder the true meaning of the holiday, and B. What simple traditions can we incorporate to ensure that our children are honoring whatever this holiday is truly a...
Continue Reading...
Two Beautiful Books, My Kid's Reactions, and a GIVEAWAY!
A few weeks ago I was offered the opportunity to review two recently released children's books, I’m Going to Give you a Bear Hug by Caroline Cooney / Illustrated by Tim Warnes and Bible Basics, A Baby Believer Counting Primer by Danielle Hitchen / Illustrated by Jessica Blanchard. 
Continue Reading...
Big Changes Are 'A Comin
Blessed but stressed has been our life motto for over three years now – ever since we made the decision to add an 8th child to our family. Some have raised questioning eyebrows with this decision, but we forged through, and we stand by the decision today as one of the best things we’ve done for our family, BUT we are tired and stretched about as thin as they come. Something about raising teenagers, and not sleeping because of a newborn, and then raising teenagers with a toddler who does finally sleep (PRAISE JESUS!) but never, ever, ever stops moving when she’s awake, and then there are the ...
Continue Reading...
Banana Chocolate Muffins
These are really, really good and really, really addicting so it's a good thing they have some health benefits or I'd feel really, really guilty after eating a few.  I usually make these for the kids breakfast because most days they're up at 6:00 am so they need something easy, filling, and tasty in their bellies. These always do the trick.  Banana Chocolate Muffins 3 ripe bananas. 2 cups flour½ cup maple syrup2 eggs1 tea baking soda1 tea baking powder½ tea salt2 TB coconut oil1 tea vanilla½ cup orange juice. 1 cup dark chocolate chips Mix the first 10 ingredients together. Stir i...
Continue Reading...
Pure Goodness Spaghetti Sauce
3-4 TB olive oil (depends on how much garlic and onions you add). 1 large onion chopped 4-5 TB finely chopped fresh garlic (You can add chopped celery as well if you want) Saute these three ingredients for a few minutes. Add 4 14 ounce cans of quality tomatoes (crushed or whole is fine - I like Carmelina brand) Add as much fresh spinach as the pot will hold. 4 TB Italian seasoning 1/4 cup maple syrup 1/4 cup red wine 2 cups of tomato juice (we make our own) Salt and pepper to taste Simmer all of this on low for an hour or two.  Turn heat off and blend all together with a han...
Continue Reading...
Marriage Pep Talk and a GIVEAWAY!
In my second marriage to Ryan I have valiantly attempted to right the wrongs that I naively produced in the first marital relationship. They say “ignorance is bliss,” and I suppose that I was ignorant the first time around; however, having my eyes wide open through a second opportunity has changed my perspective on life and love. A few of my initial struggles were cemented in my identity as a strong willed, first born, young wife, and often included a lack of respect towards my husband (I knew best, of course!), and one that goes hand in hand with the respect issue, a lack of grace. I usually...
Continue Reading...
Chocolate Chip Almond Butter Delights
This week’s recipe is a spin off of my go to, extremely easy, “I only have 5 minutes to whip something together” dessert. The original recipe called for peanut butter, egg, and sugar. I’ve amped up the health factor by substituting some of the ingredients and adding a few more. My kids love em. Hope you do too. Chocolate Chip Almond Butter Delights. 1 cup almond butter 1 egg ½ cup maple syrup ½ cup pecans ½ cup dark chocolate chips. Mix everything together in a big bowl. Spoon droplets onto a cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes. Just keep livin!
Continue Reading...
Numero Uno Sanity System - THE BIN
At the Ronne homestead we employ many systems in order to maintain some level of functionality for the family and for the parent’s sanity. The bin system is by far the most useful and consistent tool we use as it has been in place from almost day one of our blended family. This is a system that I grew up with (as the oldest of 10 children) and loathed with every cell of my being as a child. Funny how it made its way into my grownup family as well. The bin (or the brown box that I grew up with) is just a plastic container that holds the children’s misdemeanors for the week. The system starts ...
Continue Reading...