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Sunlight Burning at Midnight a memoir by Jessica Ronne

 

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Just some random, irrelevant, humorous, and hopefully inspiring musings on life, love, faith, widowhood, remarriage, adoption, blended families, caring for a handicapped child, mothering seven children, chickens, cooking, grief, over-coming grief, and everything else in between. Just Keep Livin!!

Continuing From The Other Day...

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When we moved into the other house it was never clean enough for him.  All we ever heard was what we were not doing right for him and never what we were doing right. Nothing was ever good enough for him.  It didn’t matter to him that I was going nonstop from 5 am till 1 am.  I didn’t do thing just the way he wanted so I was not respecting him or cooperating with him.  He was mad because I didn’t wash our sheets with my laundry but it didn’t matter that I did 5 kids laundry with my laundry and I did laundry 3 times a week.  It didn’t matter to him that I stayed up to help him with school work when my body really needed sleep.  It didn’t matter to him that I cleaned the house 3-4 times a day, it wasn’t spic and span when he came home so I was lazy and didn’t do anything!  His verbal abuse and emotional abuse was draining and is what caused most of my medical issues.  But he didn’t care and just said my medical issues were excuses. He was very controlling and everything had to be just the way he wanted or he would verbally tear us all down even the foster kids.  If I didn’t get on to the kids I was letting them get away with everything and if I did get onto them he thought I was abusive.  I couldn’t do anything right.  He made sure to let me know in not a nice way every time too!
When he went to Charter College he was never around and so he didn’t know what happened at home. He didn’t support me with the kids. He would get mad when I would be relaxing when he got home, didn’t matter that I had been busy all day long and running everywhere. He didn’t believe that I needed relaxation time.  On weekends he would stay shut up in our room doing homework and working out so he still was not around the kids or me.  Then he would get mad at us for not wanting to spend time with him when in reality he was the one not choosing to be around us!  Nothing was ever his fault.

He would never listen to me about the issues I was having with foster kids or their parents. I was left to deal with everything by myself.
He expected me to do everything, kids, work, homeschooling, house, family, friends, sex.   He would not touch me unless I initiated something and even when I did he would turn away and I felt he was rejecting me and didn’t want me. That is how it was all our marriage.  If I wanted sex I had to initiate and even then it didn’t work all the time….he would get what he needed and if I didn’t then it was too bad for me.  It was hard for me to initiate with all the abuse from earlier in my life.
He expected me to look the way he wanted me too, dress the way he wanted me too, work out the way he wanted me too, talk the way he wanted me too and be a clone of him.  I couldn’t be myself or he would put me down. 

Anytime he wanted something even if we didn’t have the money I had to say yes and that it would be ok.  If I said no we can’t afford it,  he got all mad at me because we didn’t have any money.  I tried to show him where the money was going but he didn’t want to see it the way I was showing it to him.  He wanted to be involved with the finances but he would not be a part of it.  I tried and tried to show him and give it to him.  When I would give the bills to him to do they wouldn’t get paid and I would have to answer all the collection phone calls since he was not around.  

Even now he is cheating on the child support by not providing the state with ALL of his income.  He does as little as he has too, too get by and blame everyone else when something doesn’t go his way.
When I would mention getting help or problems in our marriage he just blamed me or said I wasn’t listening to him.  I could never bring anything up because if I did he would just yell at me and say it was my entire fault. He never listened to what I was really saying.  

He got jealous of the little one we were adopting but he was never around for me to spend time with him except to do his homework for him.  He would always take everyone else out to do things and made me stay home with all the kids. He let everyone ride my wheeler and it kept getting messed up and he said he would get it fixed but then he spent thousands of dollars on his machine and the kid’s machine.
He never kept his word.  He never supported me or included me in any activities then got mad at me because he said I was not respecting him or cooperating with him.  I did everything he asked, maybe not as perfectly as he wanted since he was a perfectionist but it did get done.  I gave up everything to make sure I did everything for him, including all my dreams so that he could fulfill his.

I defended him against people our entire marriage and stood up for him and supported everything he ever wanted to do.
All of us had to walk on eggshells because we never knew what kind of mood he would be in.  We even discussed he may be bipolar but he would never get tested.
He always said his view point on things was different from everyone else’s but he could not see that he was the wrong one and not everyone else around. He expected everyone to conform to his thinking and will and he wouldn’t even consider that everyone else who agreed was right.
It was always his way or no way.  I am very defensive when it comes to the kids.  He was and is verbally abusive and emotionally abusive to me and them
He says I am the one who was controlling but I did everything he asked.  When something was not done to his expectations he would just start yelling and assuming things instead of asking and talking about it and finding out what happened during the day.  

He was never involved in the kids’ lives and did not want to celebrate birthdays or any holidays with us.  He would rather go work out or do his own thing instead of making the event special and celebrating with all of us.
Then to get on our daughter’s good side he force himself into an all-girls event for her sweet 16.  
He talk to the kids and tell them everything bad that he thinks I have done against him and turn them against me but when they found out about who he really was then they didn’t go with him and realized he was lying about me.
I am the only one who has been a parent to them and now they see him as the fun parent because he didn’t make them do anything. 

I enforced his rules even when I didn’t agree with him. Then they would get mad at me for it and I never had his support and he never told them they were his rules. This made it seem like I was the big bad mean Mama because I enforced rules and dad didn’t back mom up.
Throughout the time of doing foster care there were many issues with biological parents and accusations.  They would say anything so they could get their children back.  When one of the teen age girls started to go after our oldest son, he kicked him out of the house until that teenager was removed from our home.  Of course I got blamed for it all.  

We had a total of 18 kids besides our 3 biological kids.  We were in the process of adopting our very first one who we had over 2 years.  One of the others wanted to live with her best friend so she made up lies and turned us in on allegations so they would put her with her friend.  Of course it was not true but when they came to interview our family he lied to the investigators about me and told them he was leaving me because I was so horrible.  What he didn’t tell them is that he was leaving me for his boyfriend. So then I ended up turning my foster care license in and having child abuse and child neglect on my file.  All because he lied and had the kids lie.
My marriage was destroyed, my relationship with my own children was in turmoil because of their dad and whatever he had told them, and my reputation was ruined.
The fact that he didn’t even know our oldest had moved out of the house proves how little he knew about what happened in our house. He had been gone 3 months before I said something to him and he was surprised. I waited that long because he wasn’t talking to me.
He was lying to me, talking to my friends behind my back, out partying and drinking and defiling our marriage bed.

He wanted his own life then he needed to live his own life and leave me alone.  He needed to stop trying to control me now and quit talking to our daughter about me and telling her I am jealous of the relationship he has with her. He needs to quit saying bad things about me. All of this is his choice and I am doing the best I can to keep our kids focused on Jesus.  Since he wanted me out of his life what I do doesn’t have anything to do with him.  He thinks that everything I do is to get at him or control him and manipulate him.  He is so wrong.  I try not to have anything to do with him but he won’t leave me alone!  He continually was texting nasty hateful messages.  Calling me all kinds of names and still blaming me for everything.

Before he walked out I got injured on the job.  They thought my wrist was broken.  He went to his boyfriend’s house instead of coming to the urgent care to see if I was ok.  I had to move the entire household because he walked out taking only what he wanted 3 days before we were to be out of the house.  The kids and I had nowhere to go except the basement of our neighbors (which already had 10 people in the house).  The kids and I had continuing garage sales for the entire month of August while he was always gone or hiding in the bedroom he moved into.  During the divorce proceedings they said I had more assets than he did. Of course I did he walked out and left his family and everything behind.  Then he didn’t have to pay back child support because I had more assets.

I found a house for the kids and I to move into and we had friends help move and clean the other rental house.
I was out of work due to having surgery from my injury and he did not help or care at all.  Did not check to make sure kids were doing ok just continual nasty harassing text messages.
Filed divorce papers for Christmas and got a divorce for Valentine’s.  He was living with his boyfriend and the boyfriend agreed kids could stay over there so moving into his own apartment is not a big change.  I do not want my kids around the boyfriend or that lifestyle at all.  It goes against everything we have ever taught them.

I do not want the kids living at their dads because I believe that bad things will happen.  Such as my 17 year old daughter being used for sexual things!  Or my 16 year old son being used for the same by his dad’s friends.  Their dad has told them that they are adults and need to live their own life and that they are old enough to make their own decisions.   It is not ok with me for my kids to have sex before marriage or be continually around that lifestyle.  If they are left alone all the time while he is at work then what will go on at the apartment during the day?
I have had one trip to the emergency room and high blood pressure due to my injury…..when I have to deal with him my blood pressure goes up again and I have always had low blood pressure.
A year later I let my daughter’s best friend and her homeless parent’s come live with us.  They brought drugs and alcohol into my home.  They lied and committed fraud and they did all kinds of damage to the house (that I am renting).  I had to get rid of them.  They were turning my daughter against me because I didn’t embrace her dad’s new lifestyle or their lifestyle.  

I went through physical therapy after surgery and have now been released and termed permanent partial disabled.  I will never have full use of my right hand ever again and will have to have surgery again in 10-15 years. I cannot go back to my original job or do very much at all.  Not such a good thing when you are a single mother.
Now the owners of our home we are renting have to sell it.  We can’t find another house with the space we need for the price we can afford.  
So I am receiving shut off notices, having to look for another place to live.  I can’t get a loan to buy the house and the program that could help with a loan doesn’t help with homes that are unfinished (which is what we are in now).  

In short I am a single disabled mother about to be homeless
But on the bright side I am on Jesus’s side and he has got this.  I do not need to worry. That doesn’t mean I don’t it just means I don’t need to.
I would not be where I am today without my Jesus!

Tagged in: faith Grief life

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